Michelle Keegan Steps Up Her Slut Game for FHM

Michelle Keegan is one of the stars of “Coronation Street,” one of the longest running, pile of shit TV shows to come out of the UK. It was a show that was shot like a fucking porno video. It was about the working-class chimneysweepers in the UK—that was pretty fucking ghetto. It featured old, chain-smoking, toothless stars with thick accents…but I guess they’ve rebranded with this hot enough pussy, you know, since she is from the UK and the UK isn’t really known for making babes…

Morena Baccarin Brings The Sexy For The Nerds

Morena Baccarin is some kind of socially awkward nerd icon…from being in some socially awkward nerd show called “Firefly” to being in some socially awkward movies like “Serenity,” “Stargate,” “V” and now “Homeland.” It’s like so much sperm has been spilled for this babe…and now she’s in GQ UK…wearing her bra…like some kind of harlot…and you know you like it…because Brazilian girls, even Brazilian trannies, do it better.

Emmy Rossum is One Sexy, Inspirational Cunt

Emmy Rossum is the worst. I not only say that because she blocked me on Twitter, but also because she’s a garbage actor who only gets work because she gets naked…and now that she’s been getting naked on her stupid cable show “Shameless,” she’s established a fan base and is getting more legit work…and it only took her 6 or 7 years of grinding before making it happen.

The moral of the story: Don’t be scared to show your tits, because it can lead to a big movie deal…and if you need any advice, just email them to me first. I’ll be more than happy to masturbate to them.

Elisha Cuthbert is Bringing Back The Hotness

Elisha Cuthbert has a new TV show that I have never seen and didn’t know she even had. I just assumed she died, because I haven’t heard or seen shit about her in the last four years…and the last time I did hear about her, she was some fat, coked-up,  gutter-looking pig who didn’t really shower and who I assumed had given up. Being Paris Hilton’s best friend does that to a person.

She reminds me of every girl I’ve ever picked up after a night out…only a bit better dressed…a little less scabby…a lot less covered in puke…and a lot more alert. Bitch is the Hollywood version of a good old “drag her down the alley for your first date” good time.

All this to say, Elisha Cuthbert, a girl I was trying to stage a candle light vigil for her career at her parent’s house in flash mob awesome viral video form, is back on doing the whole “Girl Next Door” hotness routine. So remember boys and girls, spending half your 20s being a cokewhore doesn’t always ruin you…and this is the proof…