Kate Upton is The Cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

I was lied to. 

Just the other day, I was told that Nina Agdal was the new Kate Upton, and despite looking handicapped, I thought, “Thank God, a girl with a good body is finally getting back into the bikini model leading role!”

But I should have known better. Kate Upton’s tits get hits and the past year has been a series of her getting job after job…becoming more and more famous…proving that dudes don’t care about hot fit bodies. They just care about sloppy fucking tits. She’s not hot, not deserving, and there’s no real reason for her to be at this level. She must be related to someone important, somewhere, because seriously, she’s a total pig…but a pig that people love staring at and a pig they throw on the cover because maybe, just maybe, it will sell some copies, despite no one buys magazines anymore because everything is online, idiots.

This is a disappointment…but at least they took my advice when they said, “if we’re gonna put her on the cover, let’s get her in a snow suit, because a snow suit is the best bikini for her shitty body type.”

I blame all you tit-obsessed kids who weren’t breast-fed…

Mick Jagger’s Daughter and Her Fuckable Lips

Sometimes I wonder if wanting Georgia May Jagger’s lips on my dick is in some subconscious way wanting Mick Jagger’s lips on my dick…because she clearly inherited them from her dad.

When I watch Mick’s flamboyant, feminine performances on stage, because I am a big, big fan of the Rolling Stones, I never think to myself, “damn, he’s got some great dick sucking lips.” But whenever I see one of his daughters, mainly this one right here, I’m like, “damn, she’s got her dad’s lips and they look like they’d be some great dick sucking lips.”

It’s pretty much confusing me…but not enough not to remember that she’s got a vagina and whether she got that from her dad or not…it don’t matter because it’s hers. I am a fan…

Bregje Heinen is New Here Too

Bregje is a Dutch name that sounds like you’re throwing up, so it doesn’t work on fat chicks or anyone who isn’t a model. Luckily for Bregje Heinen, she is a 19-year-old model so her name sounds as glorious as can be as she poses in bikinis like it was 2011 and she was doing the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show…that I guess she didn’t do all that good of a job on because she’s no longer part of that criminal organization.

However, she’s been able to leverage it to get more half-naked work…like she’s doing here for some company…and the funny thing about these bikini models I always write about is that they are so good in pictures, but I know that if I was next to them in person, dealing with their 6 foot 11 bodies next to my 5 foot 9, I would feel a little weirded-out…but since I don’t leave my house, these pics are all I have. It works for me…

Adriana Lima’s Hot MILF Body’s Still Got It

Not to discount Adriana Lima’s hot mom body that is better than most mom bodies, even the mom bodies I see leaving the gym that have been working out insanely for three years to keep their rich husbands interested in their bodies…but almost any bitch who isn’t overweight in sexy lingerie is gonna look like she’s got an amazing body…even if they don’t. It’s the magic of lingerie, motherfuckers. But I know this Lima bitch is pro…and here she is getting paid for the shit…and as hot as you may find it, the whole baby thing throws me off. I mean, Adriana Lima at 19 was a force. If she were a storm, she’d be Hurricane Katrina. Now she’s just a breezy day…a mere shadow of what she once was…and that’s the problem with models: they are only human and they get old.

Nina Agdal’s Laughably Retarded Face and Banging Bikini Body

Nina Agdal makes me laugh, because she’s the model that Sports Illustrated is pushing aggressively to be their next cover girl, despite having a bit of a handicapped-looking face…but at least she has a banging body that she’s showing off in a bikini.

The highlight of these pics is not her retard-looking expression…or even her good enough to eat thong ass. No, the highlight is her amazingly deep and spiritual cameltoe. That pussy is hungry and feeding…grazing her bikini bottom like a cow in the field…and I love it enough to ignore all her inadequacies…because that’s a mean, so mean it is really angry, cameltoe.