Kate Upton is The Cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

I was lied to. 

Just the other day, I was told that Nina Agdal was the new Kate Upton, and despite looking handicapped, I thought, “Thank God, a girl with a good body is finally getting back into the bikini model leading role!”

But I should have known better. Kate Upton’s tits get hits and the past year has been a series of her getting job after job…becoming more and more famous…proving that dudes don’t care about hot fit bodies. They just care about sloppy fucking tits. She’s not hot, not deserving, and there’s no real reason for her to be at this level. She must be related to someone important, somewhere, because seriously, she’s a total pig…but a pig that people love staring at and a pig they throw on the cover because maybe, just maybe, it will sell some copies, despite no one buys magazines anymore because everything is online, idiots.

This is a disappointment…but at least they took my advice when they said, “if we’re gonna put her on the cover, let’s get her in a snow suit, because a snow suit is the best bikini for her shitty body type.”

I blame all you tit-obsessed kids who weren’t breast-fed…