Yes, it’s stupid, silly, and insanely violent, and so was understandably shuffled off into January, a dumping ground for movies Hollywood doesn’t know how to sell. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s a dumb movie. But if loving “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Paramount Pictures seems to have suspected critics by and large wouldn’t care for the movie, as press screenings for the film were notoriously hard to come by. But hey, Jeremy Renner and R-rated action, how bad could it be? The answer was pretty bad, but also a bit brilliant. Sure it's silly and there are some issues with the second act, but there are some things that make it totally worth the price of admission. In fact, there are seven of them:
1. The movie knows what it is. From its title to its gruesome opening title sequence and the gleefully audacious violence throughout, “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” knows it is to be the ballsy cousin to the PG-13 rated fairy tale adventures like “Snow White and the Huntsman.” It’s meant to be outrageous and for adults only, and it owns that.
2. It revels in its R-rating. Not only is there a bit of bawdy nudity and well-placed f-bombs, but also there’s plenty of violence that is giddy in its gore. This includes a sequence where a rampaging troll squishes a band of men into puddles of blood and brain matter with his bare hands and a well-placed stomp.
3. The violence is inventive. There’s been plenty of bloodshed in the movies of 2013, but none has been so entertaining as this. With steampunk-inspired weapons and grimly spun traps, Hansel and Gretel tear into witches in a way that seems out of exploitation movies and anime. It’s bonkers and bloody fun.
4. Its humor is deranged. For instance, there’s a scene where Hansel positions an admirer to block him from incoming viscera as a hunter explodes, keeping this witch hunter clean.
5. Gretel’s no pushover. Played by Gemma Arterton, Gretel is a powerful warrior. She not only has a deadly aim with her crossbow, but also is treated like an equal to the male characters. In one scene, she’s ambushed by a bunch of local men, and the blows come hard and fast with no punches pulled. It was thrilling to see a fairy tale heroine actually get to kick some ass. (Looking at you, Snow White and the Huntsman.)
6. The witches are wonderful. Famke Janssen is clearly having a blast playing the seductive and deeply evil Muriel, who can shapeshift from a beautiful woman to a cracked and wretched crone with ease. Similarly, the other witches seemed wildly deadly. They have immense strength, run like wolves, and have looks that are the stuff of nightmares.
7. Hansel and Gretel don’t give a shit. While some didn’t care for these sibling’s blasé attitude about slaying witches, I found their smugness funny and fitting for the film. In the end, “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” is the honey badger of movies. You can call it crazy or nasty or stupid. “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” doesn’t care. “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” doesn’t give a shit.
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